Three Poisons
August 28, 2022
This is the Too Many Trees newsletter, where I share what I’ve been writing and reading in the realm of leadership and personal development. My coaching practice is centered around the idea that we are more effective in moving towards our goals when we become more conscious and intentional in focusing our time and attention, and learn how our unconscious patterns are holding us back. If you know somebody that could benefit from my perspective, please forward this to them or let them know they can set up a free intro chat with me.
A Buddhist concept I often share with my clients is that suffering is the gap between our expectations and reality. Buddhism identifies “three poisons” of the mind that create that gap of suffering:
Greed, wanting what we don’t have
Aversion, pushing away or hating parts of reality that we don’t like
Delusion, ignoring or dismissing that which we don’t understand
According to Kate Johnson, the author of Radical Friendship, the antidotes to these poisons are simple (but difficult to practice):
Greed is countered by non-attachment or generosity, letting go of our desires and the “closing-in, narrowing energy of clinging”.
Aversion is countered by loving-kindness, “developing our love, gratitude, and patience”, so that we can accept what is here, rather than push it away.
Delusion is countered by wisdom, the willingness to “connect the dots between the information we’re receiving and what we know to be true”.
I appreciate this framing, as when I do happen to notice my own mismatch between expectations and reality, it’s often traceable to one of these “poisons”. I have been practicing noticing my anger or frustration in the moment, taking a deep breath or two to reset, and trying to accept people and situations as they are, rather than get frustrated they are not what I want them to be.
In other words, I am starting to learn how I create my own suffering, and in that wisdom, I am realizing how I also create suffering for others when I live from a place of resentment rather than acceptance. This brings me back to the mantra I coined last year of “Be courageously present”- when I can be with reality, exactly as it is, with no agenda to change it, I am both more peaceful and more effective.
What are your experiences with the “three poisons”?
And now for the normal personal development content:
Blog: My summary of the book Together, by Dr. Vivek Murthy, the former Surgeon General of the United States, who shares his stories and research on why “loneliness ran like a dark thread” through many of the health issues facing Americans today. But he offers a prescription as well to connect with others with love and kindness. Such connection creates stronger relationships and greater community, which improves our health and well-being, which allows us to invest more into our relationships and community. It’s a wonderful, positive feedback loop, and he challenges us to consciously decide to live our lives each day to create a more connected world.
LinkedIn: These are ideas that have helped my clients (or myself), and that I share via LinkedIn to help a wider audience.
Celebrate your impact. Many people feel that doing the work is enough, and it’s somebody else’s responsibility to talk about that work. Early in your career, your manager might do that, but as you get more senior, you need to share what you’ve done to get more opportunities for interesting and impactful work.
Simple does not mean easy. Much well-meaning advice comes across as platitudes, so obvious as to be barely worth saying (e.g. “eat better and exercise”). And yet very few of us follow such simple advice because it would mean giving up something else in our lives.
You get what you select. If a role requires certain traits (e.g. CEO founders being optimistic risk takers), it should not be surprising when people in those roles have those traits. Accept them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Be the next follower. Systemic change often seems impossible, but systems are composed of people who look to other people for cues on how to act. If you are willing to be a little foolish and live your values in public, you never know who you might inspire to be the next follower after you, the next domino to fall.
Articles and resources I’ve found interesting:
Why do rich people love quiet? by Xochitl Gonzalez. As somebody who was brought up in a quiet household, I found this article to be thought-provoking on why “silence is more than the absence of noise; it was an aesthetic to be revered”. And yet “one person’s loud is another person’s expression of joy”.
From Visibility to Representation – Rethinking DEI. Cate, an engineering director, shares five key components of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion work (Visibility vs. Representation, Education vs. Advocacy, Mentorship vs. Sponsorship, Individual vs. Environment, Status Quo vs. Structural Change) and reminds readers that “It is not necessary to “do” anything to perpetuate systemic inequity, the absence of care and effort alone is enough.” I intend to do more in these areas where I can, and appreciate the callout.
I’m Black. Remote Work Has Been Great for My Mental Health. Leron Barton shares the psychological and physical toll of daily racial incidents in the office, and vows to never go back because “Not having to decide if I should address a racist comment or action as much has made my day easier. … I don’t want to be the only African American on the floor or authority on “everything Black.”
Thanks for reading! See you in a couple weeks!
