This is the Too Many Trees newsletter, where I share what I’ve been writing and reading in the realm of leadership and personal development. My coaching practice is centered around the idea that we are more effective in moving towards our goals when we become more conscious and intentional in focusing our time and attention, and learn how our unconscious patterns are holding us back. If you know somebody that could benefit from my perspective, please forward this to them or let them know they can set up a free intro chat with me.
[n.b. The world continues to have awful things happening. The war in Ukraine is ongoing, the assault on women’s rights and voting rights in the US continues, as does systemic racism, etc. And I want to acknowledge all of that, while continuing to think and write about personal development. This will not be a political activism newsletter, as there are much better people to follow on those topics.]
A mindfulness blogger I follow linked to the song Cat’s in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin, which really hit me hard, as it tells the story of a father who’s too busy to pay attention to his son as he’s growing up:
there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad”
And, of course, the pattern continues until the roles are reversed, where the dad is retired, wants to spend time with his son now that he’s done working, and his son says
"I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time,
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad.
…And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me.”
As a parent with two young kids, I’m hoping to model the life I want them to live, one where it’s not just about working and surviving, but one with joy and presence and connection. And it’s hard for me, because there is a lot to do!
I have designed my life to enable me to spend time with my family, but that’s not enough unless I can also be present with them, rather than doing stuff near them (making meals, putting things away, getting stuff ready for the kids when leaving the house, etc.).
I appreciated an exercise shared by Sam Harris on the Tim Ferriss Show which is that the future is uncertain, so you never know when will be the last time you do something. If you knew it was the last time, you would treasure it, and really treat it as a truly special unique experience. So I have been trying to practice that mindset when I read my kids a story, or snuggle with them, or in other everyday activities.
I’ve also been realizing that being present in that way requires me taking better care of myself. When I’m tired, I tend to fall into “to me” consciousness, where I see my life happening “to me”, and I feel everything as a burden, focusing on how hard I have it, rather than experiencing it as the life I choose (“by me” or “through me” consciousness) with the corresponding joys and disappointments. I made self-care a priority for 2022, and this is yet another way that lack of self-care leads to not living the life I hope to live and model.
Counterpoint to this whole narrative: Seth Stephens-Davidowitz claims that none of my parenting decisions really matter beyond my genes and choosing a neighborhood full of appropriate role models: “When it comes to parenting, the data tells us, moms and dads should put more thought into the neighbors they surround their children with—and lighten up about everything else.” Of course, he is also modeling “success” based only on income and not, say, happiness or well-being, which reflects a capitalist mindset of reducing people’s worth to their income. Then again, Judith Rich Harris claims that peers matter much more to a child’s behavior than parents, and since neighborhood selection would influence peer selection, he might still be right.
Nevertheless, while it’s difficult to establish causation or even correlation, I’m going to choose to live as if my decisions as a parent matter, but not to the point of paralyzing me with the burden of making those decisions. I will do the best I can each day to live a life I would be proud to say later “My [child] was just like me”.
This was also the conclusion we have been coming to in my antiracism group - that we can each be a model of the behavior we want to see in the world, because we never know who might be influenced by our actions.
In other words, act as if you are a role model for others, demonstrating the behaviors and mindsets you want to see more people exhibit. Maybe if you live in that way, you can inspire others to do so as well, whether friends, acquaintances, or family.
And now for the normal personal development content:
Blog: My summary of the book The New Psychology of Leadership, by Haslam, Platow and Reicher. I found this impactful because their theory of leadership explains several phenomena I’ve observed that aren’t easily explained by other leadership theories. Their theory is centered around the idea that “without a shared sense of “us” [which they call social identity], neither leadership nor followership is possible.”
Leaders create impact through creating social groups for them to lead: “transformation of the world goes hand in hand with transformation of identity. It is the forging of new forms of shared social identity that motivates the collective forging of new worlds”. Such impact is created through “coordinated, coherent, and concerted social action as individuals work collectively as “us” to achieve identity-related goals”.
More details, and concrete recommendations for leaders, are in my blog summary.
LinkedIn: These are ideas that have helped my clients (or myself), and that I share via LinkedIn to help a wider audience.
Why does middle management have such a bad reputation? I shared a cynical theory that most middle managers are those who have a limitation on their effectiveness that is keeping them from advancing. And since those middle managers feel stuck and unhappy, the teams under them see those limitations and feel the effects of their unhappiness, leading to the bad reputation.
Have a dream, and do the work. Somebody asked me how to find their “dream job”, and I responded that you don’t find a dream job, you create one. Rather than search for a dream job under the assumption that everything will be better if you just get this one next job, I recommended investing in developing skills and relationships that are aligned with your core values. That can create an alignment and feedback loop, as you learn where you add greater value (and feel more energized) and find ways to do more of that in each of your jobs.
Prepare for your meetings with an intentional open and close. Open with a clear purpose to focus the discussion, and close with a summary of next steps and expected outcomes. Check out the comments for tips from others on how to run better meetings.
Articles and resources I’ve found interesting:
The First Round Fast Track mentorship experience is now opening up its fall cohort. I've been a mentor with the program for the last 3 cohorts, and really enjoyed each of my interactions and plan to sign up again. Now that they've opened up the program to everybody, I recommend signing up as a mentee to get guidance on your journey, or as a mentor if you want to pay forward any mentorship you've received.
Sequoia Capital shared a set of presentations they gave to their portfolio companies on how to navigate these uncertain times. I particularly liked Leading in Uncertain Times, but all four are linked from that page. The presentations on forecasting and runway have great context if you want to see what is top of mind for people running businesses (tl;dr revenue and profitability), but the leadership one distills several principles of leadership and culture into a brief presentation.
Ijeoma Oluo has a great rant that “Childhood sucks, school doesn't matter, adulthood isn't all drudgery”. “If you find yourself thinking of your child’s future in terms of jobs, bills, taxes, and drudgery instead of joy, autonomy, and possibility - please take a look at your own life. Look at how you’ve been separated from your true self and your agency by white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. Understand that your joy has been stolen from you, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t get it back. “
Speaking of the fun of adulthood, I have been enjoying Last Bottle Wines, where I get one email a day with a wine they are super excited about and able to offer at a deep discount. I’ve bought way too much wine from them in the last couple months, and almost always love what I get. If you decide to sign up, you can use my referral code and we both get a discount on our next order.
Thanks for reading! See you in a couple weeks!